The other day a good friend of mine sent me this picture as he thought that it could help. I have to admit that I have been feeling all of those emotions lately but the picture did make me feel better for feeling all of those things.
I have bitterness towards the people who treated me wrong. I have resentment to the things I knew but didn’t want to accept. I have discomfort to the things that trigger past experiences and memories. I have anger towards other people and myself because I trusted them and I keep forgiving them. I have disappointments every single time I think that they have changed or are changing but in reality, they are still the same or even worse than I thought that they were. I have guilt for the pettiness that I have and the reactions that I had in response to situations where I let my emotions take over. I have shame for the things that I said and did or did not do. I have anxiety from overthinking and from people and things that trigger bad memories. And I have sadness for everything that has happened which I know I never deserved.
For the past couple of months, although I always try to look for the good in people, I realised how horrible people can be. Even the ones that you care and love the most. And I can really say that it’s heartbreaking. But I realised that I don’t want my heart to be or get broken anymore. I just had enough. To the point where I am now numb. Numb from anything else that they could do to me. I’m not saying that I will let myself be a doormat and let them walk all over me and my feelings- you should never let yourself be a doormat. What I am saying is that I will just walk away from them or try to distance myself from them as much as possible. It’s not the matter of me avoiding the situation. I’ve dealt with it for longer than I should and no matter how hard I try, nothing has progressed. And so right now I feel like there is nothing worth holding on to anymore.
Although I felt better about feeling those emotions, I don’t want to remain stuck in them. So I am letting go. Of anything and everything toxic. On things that no longer serve me, upsets me or doesn’t make me want to be a better person. I’m letting go because I love myself and respect myself. Because if I don’t let go, then I limit myself to becoming the best version of myself and I will remain stuck on emotions that I feel will slowly destroy me.