Paua Series: True Colours

“All of my feelings have the colour you desire to paint.”-Rumi

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It was too short and too sweet. But every atom of my being wished that it was longer or forever. And in all honesty, I have never truly loved someone so much in my life before.

We had the most romantic and special memories together. Memories so beautiful, they were like poetry printed on silk. Together, we watched countless of sunsets, travelled and explored new places, strolled around lakes and gardens, climbed mountains, ate at nice cafes and restaurants and we took the most adorable pictures together (well I had thought we did).

I have never felt like so much of a queen before as he would go beyond lengths and do anything and everything to make me happy. He knew about my love for ice cream, flowers and chocolate so every time I felt sad he would buy me ice-cream to cheer me up; every week he would surprise me with flowers, where he was the first guy to have ever given me flowers and sometimes late at night he would drive all the way to my house to just send me my favourite chocolate.

When I needed help, he would drop everything and rush to help me and when it rains he would even take his shirt off to cover me so I wouldn’t get wet (and yes, of course, he was wearing something else underneath). And while we were in Malaysia, he would wait at the airport for hours for me (when I forget to tell him there was a delay) and he would drive hours and wait through long traffic jams to just see me. He was the sweetest and the best thing I ever had.

I would never forget the time he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were at the Hamilton Lake which we would always visit but on that day he said to me: “Yantie, you will never know how happy I could make you unless you give me a chance.” His words were so sweet and his eyes were so sincere that I could not say no. And no one else has ever given me so much joy in life and what we had was so wonderful and magical beyond words.

I had never appreciated anyone or anything so much so in my life before. I noticed and appreciated every single little and big thing that he ever did for me and I am so thankful to have had him. He made me realise that maybe sometimes love does mean sacrifice. The sacrifice of your time, feelings and ego.

However, I must admit that the relationship was a challenge towards the end and I guess it was too hard for us to overcome for a number of reasons. Although I don’t want to disclose anything of what had happened, I was reminded of the lessons that I learnt from the two previous relationships. I was reminded that trust is so important in a relationship; without it, the relationship will never work as there will be jealousy and fights, where one person will always be hurting. If you are in a relationship where you find yourself upset or crying all the time, the love you feel is really not worth it; rather than putting all of your energy draining yourself out with all of the bad emotions, it is better to use that energy to do something positive for yourself such as surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good and lift you up or doing something you love.

I was also reminded that you should always give someone a chance; you never know because they might turn out to be the very best thing that you ever had. Another thing I was reminded about was that you must give the other person the chance and time to learn and do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. Lastly, I was reminded to be patient and accept that even though it hurts (and this time it hurts so much more), if you truly love someone, sometimes letting them go might be the best thing that you could do for them to let them continue and live their life and for you to grow as a person.

But there were still some lessons learnt. Communication is so crucial for a healthy relationship. Both people need to listen and understand each other. It’s important to respect what the other has to say or needs. If one person asks for something nicely and are aware of the circumstances, it does not mean they are demanding; it is more than likely that they will think about the other person and have realised to compromise or suggest to meet half way. However, if they don’t respect your standards, then they don’t respect you enough to give you the bare minimum. I’ve learnt how one mistake could lead to a devastating regret. Even if you ask for forgiveness every day and you try your hardest to make up for it and do all the work to make the relationship last, three seconds of regret could still wipe away three months of precious memories and love. It made me aware that little actions could lead to big consequences, even if you did not mean to do them.

Another lesson I learnt is that no matter how much you show them and tell someone you care about them and love them, they could find it annoying and hate you for it and it’s probably because they don’t feel the same way. Rather than hearing words of affirmation, heartbreakingly, their response could be rejection or they could completely ignore you. A fourth lesson I learnt was that relationships aren’t about giving and taking equally; you should give if you want but don’t expect something in return. However, it’s still important to show them or tell them that you care and appreciate them through at least your sincere words and actions. I’ve also learnt that if you really do matter to them, they would try and make time for you, no matter how busy they are and especially if it is long distance. Lastly, you will never know someone’s true colours unless you see what they are like over time and in different situations or circumstances.

I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe things just happen the way they do. And maybe you dont want to accept them. Maybe life goes on. Maybe you should too. Maybe the timing is not right and you need more time to mature as a person. Maybe life is unfair or maybe life is just either about love or war. Maybe you just need to make peace with yourself, your past and your future. Maybe you need to take things slow. Maybe life is about changes and acceptance. Maybe loving yourself is the best thing to do right now. Maybe you still love them and care about them. And all of those maybes are okay. But just know that you are in control of your own decisions so keep asking yourself what you could do next to move on and be a better person. Because that is exactly what I am planning to do now.

Nonetheless, he still is the very best thing that I ever had and I will forever cherish the moments of pure bliss that we shared. I will always remember and appreciate every effort that he made for me and I can only hope that he knows how much I had appreciated him. Never in my life have I wanted to stay with someone so badly because never in my life have I loved someone so truly and so deeply. Words cannot describe the love we had for each other and poetry can’t even compare to how beautiful the relationship was or could have been.

Author: thegirlinthewineredscarf

I'm a '97, Malaysian, Muslim, westernised, Rumi loving kiwi and feminist, who is still a bit naive at times but have a lot of wisdom to tell you. This blog will have a bit of everything such as faith, poetry, makeup/beauty and life/relationships advice, reviews, responses to current events, travel and maybe some fashion inspo. My starting this blog was due to an epiphany where I realised that this life is too short to be closed minded, to have not experienced life or at least tried to pursue your passions or dreams. I hope to inspire, advise or give you another perspective on things that matters or doesn't really matter. If my posts had put a smile on your face, made you think or sets a fire to your soul, then please let me know in the comments below.

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